That is what I currently am right now. Is it because of A. laziness, B. high expectations or C. lack of opportunities? A little of each, I think:  50% A, 20% B and 30% C.

I went through 7 years of tertiary education which includes college and medical school, 4 years of specialty training and 2 more years of sub-specialty training and now what do I have to show for all of that? 20 thousand bucks in the bank, a 2nd hand car that I don’t know how to drive¬† and depreciating or rotting home appliances and furniture. Oh and a ton of books, accumulated since I was 12 when I still dreamed of becoming a writer.

How does one without fortitude, self confidence and creativity become a writer? I can rip off from other people’s work. Done that before, never been caught … hurray!

The thing is I’m not exactly thrilled to be where I am now but I don’t know where to go. So where does that leave me?

Random Notes 4/15/12

4:45 AM
I am setting up my friend Y (who gave a nice speech during my wedding and whom I am eternally grateful) with this medical representative (med rep or, basically, a salesperson that promotes branded medicines to doctors) who was recommended by my midwives. As adept as they are at birthing babies, let us see how their matchmaking skills would turn out.

I am at this point when I try to reconnect with old friends. Tracing forgotten paths to my childhood, re-reading Erica Jong. I am hoping to find a voice and stumble upon the fortitude to write.

Around 7:00 AM
Conversing with my midwives this morning, from-duty day. I said that I don’t mind Dr. R staying over longer than he should and taking my place in the callroom. I don’t mind, really, because I respect him too much and all that he’s done in the lying-in clinic (LIC) where he has been for 28 years. I told G and Ms. E that the LIC will not be like this were it not for him.

This is actually one of the better institutions I have been in. Not perfect but humane. I can say that now because I experienced hell for 4 years and I know the difference.

Hell becomes what it is because the people who should have been taking care of it have let it go. Maybe because of greed or laziness, take your poison.

Yes, I’m still bitter. I realized how ripefully bitter I am last night taking to K (the med rep) whom I was thinking of setting up with my friend Y.

My mother’s death has partly to do with it. Until now I still can’t forgive the institution where she died for the way that I was the last year of her life.

I am trying to get over my self-loathing. The guilt I have already dispensed with but the disgust for that person I was — the timid, virgin, child that I was — is still there.

Since self destruction is not an option, I would have to devise some form of sweet revenge. I relish it and sometimes, in my mean moments, I am consumed.

I wonder if this is what brought about my mother’s cancer. Overwhelming anger at something that she felt she could not change. The anger crystallized, solidified into a tumor too stubborn to be excised. Too maniacal to be contained. Maybe it was what destroyed her.