It is my opinion that, us girls should never use big words when talking with guys. Words such as “dialectic” or “discourse” or “hegemony” or “patriarchy”. They get threatened — and there goes their erection. What a bummer!
Also, never quote to their faces anything spoken by Miz Greer, Erica J. or Gloria. They will tell you that you are a shrill virago out to castrate them. So there goes their erection — and what a bummer!
It is of utmost importance that we quote Big Men such as Kahlil Gibran instead; to wit: “Your children are not your children; they are the sons and daughters of life longing for itself.”
In fairness to Mr. Gibran, he was an equal opportunity MCP, for he included daughters too not being owned by their moms. Of course, he could also have intended this passage for fathers to ponder upon but, as we bitches can attest, there is a grain of truth in the saying, “Maternity is a matter of fact; paternity is a matter of speculation.”
Goddarn this effing world! If I were a lesbian, erections would not be a problem — or if they are, then they would be a minor one.
While we’re on the subject of erections, and because I am trying to write a sex-manual for girls — who will hopefully read it and not just let what I wrote lie around so that their guys would find it and jack-off using my words (ha ha, as if!) — these are what us girls should do to keep our men. No girls, I have no idea how to keep their erections as well (it is still a mystery for me) — hey you get to keep the guy, be satisfied with that!
1. Be clean.
2. Keep on cleaning.
3. They will mess stuff, but clean it anyway and don’t complain.
4. Be a virgin until you die. That’s impossible? Then for god’s sake, fake it!
5. If you do bring up the subject of other guys, emphasize that theirs’ (your guy’s) is bigger. What is “theirs”? Everything of course!
6. Just smile when they talk about their mothers.
7. If you do get antsy and check out other guys’s erections, for god’s sake BE EFFING DISCREET ABOUT IT AND LEARN HOW TO TELL A CONVINCING LIE BEFORE YOU DO SO. Needless to say, writing in all-caps is not convincing at all.
8. Yes, you are required to have an orgasm with them. Don’t ask me about clitoral versus vaginal orgasm! You should know this by now!
9. If they shat on their pants, you’re supposed to clean it up too. No, you will not be regarded as a saint after all these services. But rest assured that He will be regarded as the Holiest of Holies if it were the other way around.
10. No dear, you are a girl — there is NOTHING you can do about it. Yep, you can say you’re a WOMAN but it’s basically the same banana. And let me add that, sex-change surgery is a lot more difficult for women wanting to be men than men wanting to be us. Yeah, I am not kidding!