Ana is drunk. Not drop-dead drunk, but drunk enough to loosen her tongue and share her commiserations with her virgin-friend, Charrisse.
Ana: I miss being a virgin.
Charrisse: (thrilled that someone wants to share her predicament) Really?
Ana: Yeah. Sex is so much simpler if you’re a virgin.
Charrisse: (confused) Really?
Ana: Erections are not a problem, for one. I mean, one can use one’s hand and be satisfied with it.
Ana: What about you Charrisse … what implement do you use when manual stimulation becomes too boring?
Charrisse: Uhhh … Are you asking about (whispers) masturbation?
Ana: Hell yeah! You do masturbate right?
Charrisse: Ana, you’re crazy!
Ana: No judgment, you can tell me. Totally okay.
Charrisse: (meaningful silence)
Ana: Yeah, I thought so. We’re not supposed to admit it. I bet even the Virgin Mary did something when she felt antsy.
Charrisse: (scandalized) Ana, really!
Ana: (nods) Yeah, really. So Charrisse, do tell … when you’re antsy, what do you use: A. Fingers only, B. Candles, C. Vegetables, D. All of the above?
Charrisse: Not fingers! That’s so unhygienic!
Ana: Aha! Candles then!
Charrisse: No! That’s perverted, candles … vegetables … Ugggh!
Ana: (laughs) In fairness to them, they stay firm … which makes them a lot better than other organic stuff I know.
Charrisse: (frowns and sighs) Oh Ana, if you weren’t my friend and if you weren’t drunk and if I weren’t sure that you won’t remember anything after this … (whispers) I press my thighs together and squeeze.
Ana: (about to fall asleep, opens her eyes) That works?
Ana: Well, well … I learned a lot today. I should have taken notes.
Ana falls snoring on the floor beside the half finished bottle of Tanduay Rhum.
Charrisse stares at her maid of honor and shakes her head.