A Sex Manual For Girls Who Can’t Get Off

 

Ana is drunk. Not drop-dead drunk, but drunk enough to loosen her tongue and share her commiserations with her virgin-friend, Charrisse.

Ana, Charrisse & friends. Ana is the horny one; Charrisse is the virgin. You can obviously distinguish them by the way they look. Image from www.loveelycia.com

Ana, Charrisse & friends. Ana is the horny one; Charrisse is the virgin. You can obviously distinguish them by the way they look. Image from http://www.loveelycia.com

Ana: I miss being a virgin.

Charrisse: (thrilled that someone wants to share her predicament) Really?

Ana: Yeah. Sex is so much simpler if you’re a virgin.

Charrisse: (confused) Really?

Ana: Erections are not a problem, for one. I mean, one can use one’s hand and be satisfied with it.

Charrisse: Really!

Ana: What about you Charrisse … what implement do you use when manual stimulation becomes too boring?

Charrisse: Uhhh … Are you asking about (whispers) masturbation?

Ana: Hell yeah! You do masturbate right?

Charrisse: Ana, you’re crazy!

Ana: No judgment, you can tell me. Totally okay.

Charrisse: (meaningful silence)

Ana: Yeah, I thought so. We’re not supposed to admit it. I bet even the Virgin Mary did something when she felt antsy.

Charrisse: (scandalized) Ana, really!

Ana: (nods) Yeah, really. So Charrisse, do tell … when you’re antsy, what do you use: A. Fingers only, B. Candles, C. Vegetables, D. All of the above?

Charrisse: Not fingers! That’s so unhygienic!

Ana: Aha! Candles then!

Charrisse: No! That’s perverted, candles … vegetables … Ugggh!

Ana: (laughs) In fairness to them, they stay firm … which makes them a lot better than other organic stuff I know.

Charrisse: (frowns and sighs) Oh Ana, if you weren’t my friend and if you weren’t drunk and if I weren’t sure that you won’t remember anything after this … (whispers) I press my thighs together and squeeze.

Ana: (about to fall asleep, opens her eyes) That works?

Charrisses: (nods)

Ana: Well, well … I learned a lot today. I should have taken notes.

Ana falls snoring on the floor beside the half finished bottle of Tanduay Rhum.

Charrisse stares at her maid of honor and shakes her head.

Ana, a conscientious student, always took notes -- except when she was sleeping during lectures. Image from www.canstockphoto.com

Ana, a conscientious student, always took notes — except when she was sleeping during lectures. Image from http://www.canstockphoto.com

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