What is life if not a process to get from one moment of time to the next.
If in that process, one finds happiness, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment — well and good. If the path contains despair, uncertainty, fear, pain — well that is something one must accept.
Our struggles give meaning to our victories. It has been with great difficulty that I remember that now. I must also remember and accept that struggles are, by definition, painful. They are our frustrations, boredom, impatience, seeming incompetence, defeats that happen over and over again.
Indecision is the devil that hovers on my back. It paralyzes me because I am afraid of being wrong, of looking small, of bothering others. Indecision happens because I lacked preparation; because I have not studied enough; because I was lazy; because I was afraid. One gets tired of being afraid — but fear returns again and again, like grassess and weeds in one’s garden. It probably will never be completely vanquished. But one has to control one’s fears. That is the hardest thing that one must learn.
I must remember that when I was a child I was less fearful. At that time I knew a lot less too. One can not un-know things, one cannot be a child again; nor is it an acceptable position to be in. Fear must be conquered using the things that we know. Being ignorant and brave can be a recipe for disaster.
I am trying to reclaim my life. Retracing my footsteps back to when I was more enthusiastic and less diffident. I want to see her again, that woman who decided to leave despite her misgivings …. because she knew that she will learn more by leaving than by staying behind.
Where is she? Where is she?
I am praying that she is just here somewhere. I am praying for her to have the fortitude, the will and the bravery to see through the challenges that she will face in this path that she has chosen. I am praying like a mother prays for her child … I am praying the way my mother would have prayed for me if she were here … I must remember to pray.