How To Fake an Orgasm (or Orgasms, plural)

(Ana’s POV)

Image from strongafrocentricmindsets.blogspot.com

Image from strongafrocentricmindsets.blogspot.com

Meg Ryan gave you a general idea. And her performance should have earned her an Oscar if the Academy were all females.

Faking an orgasm is just like any other worthy endeavor. One has to perform it with sincerity to pull it off.

First, one has to know what an orgasm feels like to be able to fake one.

And yes, I have had it, thank you very much. A lot of girls haven’t though. Or they may be unsure, confused if they have had it or not. Believe me, girls, you will know. No ifs or buts about it.

Orgasms are like that perfect pair of strappy high-heeled shoes, they defy explanation. They fit your feet like a dream; they make you feel sexy and they don’t give you calluses afterwards. I haven’t found the perfect high heels yet. But I am optimistic that I will find one. Eventually.

Image from thefishybowl.wordpress.com

Image from thefishybowl.wordpress.com

So orgasms. Second of all, it’s not really about the penis-in-vagina. (Sorry lesbian friends; I can only talk  about the heterosexual perspective.) A girl can have an orgasm while washing dishes (although it is not advisable because one can drop a perfect piece of china and that would be a lousy day); or while watching Chris Pratt save the universe in a movie. One can have an orgasm in the shower (make sure you are using a bath mat so you won’t slip) or even in the library (the Reserve Section is a nice place because there are few people around; just make sure to tone down your vocalistic emissions). Still, the best place to have an orgasm is one’s bed preferably with someone you are madly in lust with. Please take note that one does not have to be in love to have the big O. Though, sex with a loved one belongs (in my opinion) in a different category of orgasms; or even a different category of sex.

I haven’t faked one with Christian (not that I know of). That would just entail too much work; requiring energy that I do not have inclination to expend. Besides, he knows me like the back of his hand so faking it with him will be like deceiving myself.

Image from mirror.co.uk

Image from mirror.co.uk

It is best to fake orgasms with a stranger or a new lover. However, a warning: faking it in the beginning of a relationship may doom that relationship even before it has started. If you can’t be honest with a man you are having sex with, what is the point of staying with him in the long term? Oh yeah, there is also money, power, security (emotional or otherwise) or self-deception. I get that girls — we gotta do what we gotta do. But then, don’t expect orgasms.

On a positive note, we don’t need orgasms  to live a meaningful life.

But it sure will be a life that is lot less fun 🙂

Necessary Fictions

Ana met up with Carrie after the conference. This was one of those seminars that people in Ana’s profession go to out of obligation. In her case, Ana felt obligated to attend because Carrie, who is a dear friend, already paid for her registration.

 

Ana started reading Mills and Boon before puberty. So maybe that's why she is R-rated and Carrie is PG. Mills and Boon are the precursors of Fifty Shades of Grey, with better editing.

Ana started reading Mills and Boon before puberty. So maybe that’s why she is R-rated and Carrie is PG. Mills and Boon are the precursors of Fifty Shades of Grey, with better editing. They sold to women who wanted to have fun. People cannot seem to understand this. Sex+love=romance and romance sells because it’s fun. Atrocious editing, bad narrative structure and seemingly shallow characterizations are (sometimes, though not all the time) superfluous. A roller coaster does not need to be blue for one to feel adrenaline rush while riding it. An orgasm is an orgasm whether one has had  it with a dildo or with something else. Picture from bankstownnorthps.com.au

 

Once upon a time, Ana and Carrie worked in the trenches together. They were excellent soldiers — obedient with just the right amount of cynicism; they could look at blood and gore with clinical detachment; they could sublimate their fear, disgust and depression, until a more appropriate time (however long that takes). They could have been made into generals. Ana actually rose to captain but she found that she  hated soldiering and was in it only for the money. For these girls (or women), Carrie and Ana, their passive-aggressiveness is an effective antibiotic to future success.

Now Ana  is thinking: there is something about being in a war-zone (which is basically what their previous job was all about) that draw people closer. If I had been more determined, and gave in to my Inner Goddess and quit while I was still  relatively sane, Carrie would not have been my friend. I would not be sitting here now, drinking mojito and commiserating about our husband’s infrequent erections.

Carrie: I think something happened after I gave birth. That fourth degree laceration really took something out of my sex life. Maybe it’s the lubrication or something.

Ana: I miss it when we were in our twenties and would have sex every other day. Half the time I was asleep, which is a bummer now that I look back on it. Men’s interest really go down with age.

Carrie: I love our daughter and I think I don’t mind not having sex with Ian at all.

Ana: Really!? You mean that?

Carrie: Ana, of course I’m lying! But I can’t help thinking that he doesn’t really love me. That he just married me because I got pregnant?

Ana: Oh please! Are we going back to this storyline? Harlequin, Loveswept, Silhouette, even Mills and Boon novels are teeming with the accidental-pregnancy-plot-that-leads-to-marriage — haven’t you learned anything by now?

(Carrie’s face is blank so Ana would have to spell it out for her)

Ana: Ian loves you, get that through your thick head. It’s not as if you pointed a gun at him and made him marry you.

Carrie: For men, isn’t an accidental gestation just like pointing a gun to their  heads?

Ana: (Silent. How would she know? She had never been pregnant.) Tell me again how your daughter was an accident?

Carrie: I forgot to take my pill.

Ana: Wow, that’s stupid.

Carrie: Thank you, Ana. That is very insightful.

Ana: Well if you will do it all over again, I’m sure that that you will not prefer not having had your daughter. I mean, Arielle is cute and smart and she will probably be your last chance at genetic mortality because, and I quote, women’s chance at conception drastically go down at 39 even with IVF. Hey look, you should have another kid, otherwise, you will smother this one.

Carrie: I am on DMPA.

Ana: Wow, is that so. Well you’re 38, you should probably give yourself a deadline. Don’t be like me. I am still not passionate about progenies and I’m only 3 years younger than you.

Carrie: Having a child is difficult. A real drain on the finances, and on your energy. You want to give her the best. And it’s depressing when you realize you can’t.

Ana: I am so glad you said that. I am tired of these women, and even men, who keep yammering on like having a kid is the Holy Grail.

Carrie: Of course they will say that Ana. It’s a necessary fiction.

 

***

Review of the week: Fifty Shades of Grey

“we should not begrudge E. L. James her triumph, for she has, in her lumbering fashion, tapped into a truth that often eludes more elegant writers—that eternal disappointment, deep in the human heart, at the failure of our loved ones to acquire their own helipad.”

 

fifty-shades-grey-men

 

 

 

Sex and Anarchy

ladies of avignon

Ladies of Avignon (Pablo Picasso). According to some sources, this is one of the most erotic arts in the world. Ana does not agree. A picture of naked women does not make her hot. If she wants to look at naked female bodies, she would strip her clothes in front of a mirror.

Sometimes, Ana would wonder: what can the world be if women took charge?

It would be so boring. And rigid. Women are so puritanical as a group that if they took the reins, everybody would all be worshiping in the church of Prada and dildoes would be a required accessory. But there would be no sex.

For sex to happen, there has to be anarchy.

Or more specifically … great sex requires the messiness of men. Or maybe Ana is just biased because she is not a lesbian.

The greatest orgasms (hence the best sex) Ana have ever had were the ones that have taken her by surprise. For women that usually seem to be the case.

The problem with that is now, a girl won’t usually know when her next orgasm will be coming from. But then, Ana consoles herself, a promise of something is better than a universe of nothing. Which is basically why she is thankful that she has found her husband (amidst the billions of human XYs in the world) and fell in love with him.

Ana found herself agreeing with Pope Francis when he said that we must permit ourselves to be surprised by love. (What he actually said was: we must let ourselves be surprised by god’s love. But, then Ana  thinks, the pope is Catholic so it’s understandable for him to insert his own deity in what would be a profound statement even for an atheist — or maybe, even for a Muslim, if we want to do the inclusivity thing.)

Ana is beginning to think that Jesus must be a feminist too. Granted, he had to relegate his mom Mary to the role of perpetual virgin; and his girlfriend, Magdalene to the role of perpetual whore. Despite those shortcomings, the guy had some of his marbles in order.

Ironically, this train of thought started because Ana was horny, not having seen Christian for the past 24 hours.

Cupid and Psyche

This sculpture of Psyche and Cupid … now this is hot — Ana.

psyche&cupid3

It’s even more erotic when seen in close-up!

***

Readings Lists:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erica-jong/if-men-could-get-pregnant_b_82467.html

http://www.rappler.com/world/regions/asia-pacific/82682-japan-foreign-affairs-isis-murders-crisis-management?utm_content=buffer71082&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

 http://raissarobles.com/2015/01/30/haiku-on-the-death-of-44-police-commandos/

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/entertainment/01/31/15/look-celebs-touching-tribute-fallen-cop

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/11/10/1343748/-It-s-Official-Pope-Francis-Demotes-Higest-Ranking-US-Cardinal-Over-LBGT-Issues#

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/11/pope-francis-women_n_6307822.html

https://ph.news.yahoo.com/25-things-pope-said-today-103941208.html

http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/01/13/15/pope-francis-worked-bouncer-had-girlfriend

http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/popefrancis/story/409955/first-person-how-pope-francis-renewed-the-faith-of-this-reluctant-catholic

http://opinion.inquirer.net/81780/devout-and-dishonest

http://opinion.inquirer.net/81837/why-i-dont-like-pope-francis

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/14/cardinal-luis-antonio-tagle_n_6470298.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/14/cardinal-luis-antonio-tagle_n_6470298.html

 

Wondering on What Ifs

After a million years, Ana’s friend (finally!!) answered an email.

Caryn and Ana spent 7 years of school and 1 year of postgraduate work before Caryn left to follow the love-of-her-life-who was living in another country.

Being the romantic that she was, Ana completely understood. What she misses most about Caryn are:

1. Having someone who is as crazy about books as her

2. Scouring flea market sales for that once-in-a-lifetime deal

3. Eating a KFC fried chicken wing using spoon and fork

4. Coming up with crazy ideas like having a Vagina Monologues performed in front of crusty conservative bunch of god-wannabes

5. Walking into the bookstore of a great local writer (who considers Caryn as friend, or so Ana thought) and eating in a Japanese restaurant wondering who will pay

6. Gossiping about former classmates and friends that they haven’t been in contact with for a long time

7. Ana misses having someone eat a cake she baked; and lie so convincingly that it’s delicious that Ana would believe her. Christian also used to be a wonderful liar about Ana’s cooking; but these days, he had become like her Siamese twin that despite his best efforts, Ana still feels that she could read his mind and the truth behind his words.

8. Wondering  about what ifs

Right now, sitting idly in front of her computer at work, Ana is wondering about “what ifs”. She can’t help missing Caryn, who used to be her favorite person as far as wondering on what ifs is concerned.

Schrödinger's cat is a favorite thought experiment of boys. Boys cannot understand how a cat can be both dead and alive at the same time. Girls are all too familiar with such a predicament. Picture from Wikipedia.

Schrödinger’s cat is a favorite thought experiment of boys. Boys cannot understand how a cat can be both dead and alive at the same time. Girls are all too familiar with such a predicament. Picture from Wikipedia.

A hot shot scientist like Albert Einstein would have called what they were  doing Gedankenexperiment or “thought experiment”. But Ana would prefer to call it “wondering about what ifs” (WAWI is a nice acronym). In general, Ana believes that the “what ifs” of girls are quite different from the “what ifs” of boys (of which Einstein is one).

Girls tend to be more inclusive and non-clinical about their what ifs. Their what ifs have nothing to do about their current reality even if the two are parallel universes containing the same phenomena. Girls can wonder about what ifs and still be perfectly content about “what’s real”.

***

Today Ana was wondering: what if she had never met Christian? What if he didn’t ask her out that far-off time when they were students? What if she stood him up or what if she did one of her disappearing routines and didn’t bother to respond to his overtures after that first date? What if her mother didn’t die and so Ana wouldn’t have had a reason to go back to her so-called “career”? What if she and Caryn changed places?

***

Apart from Caryn’s email, these are the articles that inspired the above post:

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?smid=tw-share&_r=1&referrer

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

http://the-how-to.tumblr.com/post/29963954456/how-to-fall-out-of-love

A Friendly Get-Together

These days, Ana can’t stop thinking about her good fortune.

She and Christian are doing well both in financial matters and in the more personal aspects of their relationship.

The intensity that defined their first years together has mellowed and has settled into something like heated coals that glows toastily warm or blazing hot depending on one’s vantage point

dinner-with-friends-box-cover-posterLast night, they went out to dinner with Christian’s friends, a bunch of men and women that Ana is particularly fond of. This group has none of the affectations and city stiffness that defines their other friends from the school they met in. Provincial people is what these are, and Ana feels warm around them.

One of them, a thin tall man whose wife Ana occasionally sees in her work, has just returned home from his job in a foreign country. Let’s call him Aidan.

Aidan’s wife, a woman that he has known since high school and has courted during their college days when she was still in a relationship with another man, was laughing at her kids’s antics – a boy and a girl. The boy is impishly cute; the girl is as quiet as a reed and as thin as her father.

To this group comes (in his usual lateness) a fair skinned, slightly slanty eyed male in cargo pants. We will call him Jonah.

Ana imagines that Jonah must have some serious father issues. His dad left when he was small and his seeming brashness belies, Ana thinks, a huge chip (the size of a boulder) draping on his narrow shoulders. He has just gotten out off an “it’s complicated” type of relationship.

So today Ana was thinking: I think Jonah would hit it off with my friend from work, Madelyn.Who is a sometimes-separated mother-of-two, and is very pretty.

She floated this idea at Christian when they went home, but Christian was not too excited with this idea.

“Darling, your friend is married,” he told her with some tenderness and a whole lot of emphasis on the “m” word.

“Her husband is a jerk and she wants to leave him!”

“They are married and they have two children.”

She gave him an information that would get him to Madelyn’s side. “Her husband hits her.”

Christian was silent for about 5 seconds. “Okay, he’s a jerk. I agree.”

“So I think I’m setting her up with Jonah.”

“Ana, darling, for god’s sake, leave them alone.”

“Jonah is miserable. Madelyn is very miserable. Misery loves company.”
“I can’t believe you just threw that bumper sticker cliché at me.”

“Jonah is single and ready to mingle,” Ana continues with her clichés. “You said so. And Madelyn needs a sane steady guy with stable work to help her take care of her kids.”

“Do you realize what you just said?”

“Yep, I made it sound as if Jonah is a desperate DOM* and Madelyn is an opportunistic bitch. But then, we are also more than the two-word descriptions that people make of us – and you said that… darling.”

At this point, dear readers, Ana and Christian have gotten their clothes off and while they are not naked (we will call their states of undress en deshabille), they are currently eyeing each other wondering who between them will take off that last piece of underwear.

What Ana loves about making love with her husband: 1. He can touch her down there in a manner that she could never do with herself; 2. When he comes in her mouth, it gives her a feeling of accomplishment – like she just scaled a mountain. Or something; 3. When she comes with him inside her, she feels that she had come home to herself.

*DOM – dirty old man 🙂

first loves

 

Ana thinks that, maybe, first loves are overrated.

But they are definitely powerful. They evoke images that are iconic to one’s personal legend. They remind her of archaic concepts like innocence, hope and the giddiness of childhood.

picture2_11-22-14

Christian sleeping. He would definitely kill Ana for taking his picture.

 

For Ana, first love means writing and Christian and romantic fiction. Not necessarily in that order.

Therese used to tease that she is a closet romantic.

“You want to see the world as some sort of idealized Monet painting. And then you go on nervous breakdowns when somethings happens to jolt you to the fact that it’s not.” Therese observes.

Claude_Monet,_Impression,_soleil_levant

“Impression, Sunrise” by Claude Monet. Image from Wikipedia. Ana loves sunrises more than sunsets.

 

Ana frowns. “I thought we were talking about my social anxiety. Where does Monet come into all this?”

“Ana, darling, your work is just a part of who you are. It is not you. You do not love your work, that’s fine. That doesn’t diminish it in any way. Those who say that one should do only what one loves, well they’re assholes. Or they are rich bitches who can afford to choose jobs.”

Ana sighs, “Well, we have already established that I’m definitely not rich. And while I do not hate my job, I do not love it either. Therese, there would be days when I got so stressed with the demands of my work that all I wanted was TO DIE!! To just drop down and die. The only thing stopping me was the great sex I was having with my boyfriend. It made me reconsider and grudgingly conclude that life may not be so bad after all.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Treading Water

So today Ana was telling me of her ambivalence about having babies:

I have always been envious of good swimmers.  As someone who has been taught how to swim a number of times and has failed over and over and over again to learn, seeing someone do a breaststroke from one end of a pool to the other is kind of bittersweet. Me — I can barely keep my head above water.

What is the connection? I ask

 

tumblr_majl6hAKhh1rece9vo1_500

The problem is, Ana says, I am content having just my feet wet. I can’t go into the deep end (the one that says 6 feet) because 1.) I am afraid to drown; 2.) There doesn’t seem to be anything worthwhile about going into 6 feet; and 3.) I prefer reading my Kindle in the pool and it’s not easy to do that while trying not to drown.

 

Having a child is like driving a car or learning to swim. You have to have done it at a certain point, otherwise the energy or the desire to have one or learn one passes you by.

A lot of people in and out of cyberspace will disagree with you.

So maybe I am speaking only of myself. The inclination has passed me by. Although when I look back, I don’t think I have ever been very inclined to reproduce. When I think of babies or parenting, the impression I get is that of having a thankless job that you are doomed to do the rest of your life. Which makes it totally not worth it. 

The thing is, darling,  Christian wants to have a kid.

Yes, but it is not as if he’s pressuring me about it. As with all other things, he has a laid back attitude as far as progeny is concerned.

Or so you think.

Well, yes, there’s that.

So you think having kids is like swimming right? And now, you are what? Treading water?

Hmmm … more like wading in a knee deep pond that used to be a river.