How To Fake an Orgasm (or Orgasms, plural)

(Ana’s POV)

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Meg Ryan gave you a general idea. And her performance should have earned her an Oscar if the Academy were all females.

Faking an orgasm is just like any other worthy endeavor. One has to perform it with sincerity to pull it off.

First, one has to know what an orgasm feels like to be able to fake one.

And yes, I have had it, thank you very much. A lot of girls haven’t though. Or they may be unsure, confused if they have had it or not. Believe me, girls, you will know. No ifs or buts about it.

Orgasms are like that perfect pair of strappy high-heeled shoes, they defy explanation. They fit your feet like a dream; they make you feel sexy and they don’t give you calluses afterwards. I haven’t found the perfect high heels yet. But I am optimistic that I will find one. Eventually.

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So orgasms. Second of all, it’s not really about the penis-in-vagina. (Sorry lesbian friends; I can only talk  about the heterosexual perspective.) A girl can have an orgasm while washing dishes (although it is not advisable because one can drop a perfect piece of china and that would be a lousy day); or while watching Chris Pratt save the universe in a movie. One can have an orgasm in the shower (make sure you are using a bath mat so you won’t slip) or even in the library (the Reserve Section is a nice place because there are few people around; just make sure to tone down your vocalistic emissions). Still, the best place to have an orgasm is one’s bed preferably with someone you are madly in lust with. Please take note that one does not have to be in love to have the big O. Though, sex with a loved one belongs (in my opinion) in a different category of orgasms; or even a different category of sex.

I haven’t faked one with Christian (not that I know of). That would just entail too much work; requiring energy that I do not have inclination to expend. Besides, he knows me like the back of his hand so faking it with him will be like deceiving myself.

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It is best to fake orgasms with a stranger or a new lover. However, a warning: faking it in the beginning of a relationship may doom that relationship even before it has started. If you can’t be honest with a man you are having sex with, what is the point of staying with him in the long term? Oh yeah, there is also money, power, security (emotional or otherwise) or self-deception. I get that girls — we gotta do what we gotta do. But then, don’t expect orgasms.

On a positive note, we don’t need orgasms  to live a meaningful life.

But it sure will be a life that is lot less fun 🙂


Sex and Anarchy

ladies of avignon

Ladies of Avignon (Pablo Picasso). According to some sources, this is one of the most erotic arts in the world. Ana does not agree. A picture of naked women does not make her hot. If she wants to look at naked female bodies, she would strip her clothes in front of a mirror.

Sometimes, Ana would wonder: what can the world be if women took charge?

It would be so boring. And rigid. Women are so puritanical as a group that if they took the reins, everybody would all be worshiping in the church of Prada and dildoes would be a required accessory. But there would be no sex.

For sex to happen, there has to be anarchy.

Or more specifically … great sex requires the messiness of men. Or maybe Ana is just biased because she is not a lesbian.

The greatest orgasms (hence the best sex) Ana have ever had were the ones that have taken her by surprise. For women that usually seem to be the case.

The problem with that is now, a girl won’t usually know when her next orgasm will be coming from. But then, Ana consoles herself, a promise of something is better than a universe of nothing. Which is basically why she is thankful that she has found her husband (amidst the billions of human XYs in the world) and fell in love with him.

Ana found herself agreeing with Pope Francis when he said that we must permit ourselves to be surprised by love. (What he actually said was: we must let ourselves be surprised by god’s love. But, then Ana  thinks, the pope is Catholic so it’s understandable for him to insert his own deity in what would be a profound statement even for an atheist — or maybe, even for a Muslim, if we want to do the inclusivity thing.)

Ana is beginning to think that Jesus must be a feminist too. Granted, he had to relegate his mom Mary to the role of perpetual virgin; and his girlfriend, Magdalene to the role of perpetual whore. Despite those shortcomings, the guy had some of his marbles in order.

Ironically, this train of thought started because Ana was horny, not having seen Christian for the past 24 hours.

Cupid and Psyche

This sculpture of Psyche and Cupid … now this is hot — Ana.


It’s even more erotic when seen in close-up!


Readings Lists:


The Thing with Orgasms


The previous post was my 100th post on this blog!

Being the Narcissistic Bitch that I am, I would like to use this page to congratulate myself.

Congratulations NB! I am giving you the Jeane Napoles Award for all the rainy mornings you spent doing intellectual masturbation while your poor significant-other was asleep.

As I am feeling very pleased with myself, what else is there to think and post about than the big O?

“Someday every woman will have orgasms- like every family has color TV- and we can all get on with the business of life.”  Erica Jong


One rainy morning, we listen (“eavesdrop” is the operative word) at Ana and her friends as they talk about what makes life worth living.

Charisse: So Ana, how do you know you’ve had it?

Ana: Had what?

Charisse: (somewhat embarrassed) You know …

Therese: (popping a chocolate covered almond-cherry in  her mouth) You mean orgasms?

Charisse: (scandalized) Lower your voice. (in a whisper) Kinda.

Ana: I know I’ve had it. (secret smile)

Charisse: How?

Therese: (philosophical and wise ala Mother Teresa) When one has had it, she’d know.

Charisse: (wails) How do you know?

Therese: Are you sure you’re asking the correct question?

Ana: What Therese is saying, dear, is you have to have sex first to have one.

Charisse: Oh my, no. I’ve never … (swallows) actually we were like rubbing together the other day … and something sort of like …

Ana: Exploded?

Therese: Burst?

Charisse: I can’t put it that way … but yes maybe …

Ana & Therese: (silent, waiting with baited and prurient breaths)

Charisse: (adjusts her glasses) There was a lot of …

Therese: Liquid!

Charisse: (nods)

Ana: And you felt like you just ran the marathon and won 1st prize?

Charisse: (smiles) You can put it that way.

Therese: Holy moly, girl!  Let’s go and have some drinks! You’re no longer a virgin!

Charisse: But we kept our clothes on!