The Definition of Consent in “Consensual Sex”


I am not a guy … and will never be one. (Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing will be for history to decide.)

I do have friends who are males; and my bestfriend in the whole world possesses an X and a Y chromosome. Most of what I know about maleness, I learned from him, so if my ideas are wrong, he is probably to blame 🙂


This morning, I got to thinking about hazing in fraternities and the morbidities and mortalities that arise of such practice.

Full disclosure: my bestfriend (the one who has the XY chromosome) went through such a practice himself and survived. So, that is my bias.

The thing is:

  1. There is a term called “informed consent.” And while the concept has been originally applied to medical procedures that will be done on a patient, the idea as a metaphor can apply in this case.
  2. People who enter fraternities are assumed to be adults (fraternities are banned in high schools and people below 18 are not allowed to join by the college).
  3. Adults are presumed to know what they want.
  4. It is not a big secret that initiation rites that may/may not involve hazing happen in fraternities. Like, hello, I may have been a naive ignorant virgin at 22 but even I knew that when my then boyfriend said he was paddled, it didn’t mean that they went kayaking.
  5. The adult neophyte was not bullied into joining, not coerced, not forced in any way — at least ideally that should be the case. Systemic factors may come into consideration like, some fields (dare I say Law School?) may have the reputation among undergrads that say “success in later career will be determined by being a Greek or non-Greek”, hence the pressure. But still, hey you are an adult, and a law student at that, and you caved in to peer pressure and allowed yourself to be humiliated and physically molested when you didn’t want to? What kind of lawyer will you turn out to be? I mean, just saying.
  6. This is where my data is hazy: the neophyte, can say “no” at anytime during the hazing process.


Now if you are wondering, why I kept blabbing about hazing when the title of my article is about consensual sex. Then read this:

Judge accused of ‘victim blaming’ for saying women risk rape by getting drunk

I have never seen, for the life of me, an argument in a hazing case that goes like this: “Neophyte was asking to die by getting into an organization that he knows involves an initiation rite where other guys will paddle him to death.”



In conclusion: the correct question during a trial investigating hazing where a victim died is “did, at any point in time, he say no?”




Consensual Sex: Then & Now

Oh those wonderful days when to rape and pillage are just all in a days work. Attila the Hun. Image from:

Oh those wonderful days when to rape and pillage are just all in a days work.
Attila the Hun. Image from:

If one were to ask me what I am most curious about, I would say: I would want to know how it is to be a man. How a man feels, how he thinks, how he processes stuff. There’s a whole dimension out there of information that I would only know superficially. Because I am not a man, will never be one … and has absolutely no interest in growing a penis. (I can hear G chuckling behind my back.)


“If a man thinks having sex with a woman who is stuporous or passed out is okay then he is on his way to being a rapist. Once he has sex with a woman who can’t consent he is a rapist.” — Dr. Jen Gunter, OB Gyn.

These are sweeping statements and I would understand if guys would think them as unfair. But I would have to agree with Dr. Gunter there. Her statement may be tantamount to saying: “The only way men can know that they haven’t raped a woman is if she said so.” That would hold guys to a high standard of behavior. And that. Is. Just. So … hard.

It is so difficult to be a man these days when these female bitches are just yammering on and on about what men can and cannot do. Blaming guys for their (women)  being confused, drunk or stupid. Woman, I thought you said you own your own body. How come you blame men when you get yourself drunk and then get raped?

I feel for you there, guys. However … would you rather that we go back to the time of Attila the Hun? Oh silly me … your answer may just be “yes” 😦 😦

Sex once upon a time. Attila's of foreplay. Image from

Sex once upon a time. Attila’s idea of foreplay. Image from

On a more sedate topic, I also wouldn’t want to go back to how medicine used to be just to make stuff easier for myself:

🙂 🙂