Sex Ed

She had known him for two years before asking him the questions she was really curious about.

These questions are not the ones discussed in school; certainly not in the one-semester health-education-knowing-your-body course she and other public school teenagers in her country generally have. What her high school teacher said about s-e-x boiled down to: 1. Don’t do it while you’re young; 2. It’s okay to do it if you’re married; 3. Children are its worthy by-product; all the rest (and maybe that includes orgasms) are after-thoughts.

That was circa 1990s, of course; and her teacher was a 50-year old straight-laced,  PhD-holding, tenured university professor, who always wore skirts.

Now she wonders, why do grown-ups never tell you the interesting parts about sex like:

* What is it like to lose one’s virginity?

* Why do people  who should know better (being educated and well-informed) claim that they do not want to have children and yet do not use contraception? Is it laziness? Being sucked in the “heat of passion” (a line she learned in a romance novel)?

* What’s the big deal about having children anyway? Does one really need to have one before one dies? For what? To fulfill a biological imperative?

* What do orgasms feel like?

What her skirt-wearing, well-meaning high-school teacher failed to mention; what all those who have had sex fail to mention when they talk about what you are and are not missing when you have sex, is the immense power-play involved among penises and vaginas.

Was it Andrea Dworkin who supposedly said that all heterosexual intercourse is rape? But that was just a myth, wasn’t it?

After Alice and Jonas first had sex (oh the word!), the emotions that overwhelmed her were:

1. feeling owned by and bound to this person who may or may not stay in her life for very long (“owned” and “bound” are such loaded words, very un-feminist, but that’s what she felt, no matter what Andrea Dworkin might say),

2. worry that a single sperm managed to pass through an improbable pore in the condom that they used and she will get pregnant,

3. a sense of wonder that sex was not as bad as they said it can be and that it actually exceeded her expectations,

4. curiosity about “where this all might lead to.”


Flash forward to now…

She is holding his hand, or maybe he is holding hers — they are lying down facing each other after you-know-what. And his eyes are closed. And Alice is thinking, his eyelashes look so much more nicer than mine, how can that be.

Alice: So I want to ask you a question.

Jonas: Uhhmm …

Alice: What did it feel like for you the first time you had sex? Were you worried, apprehensive, excited? Did you think it would change your life or change you inside? Did you have performance anxiety or were you just happy you were finally doing it? Were you concerned about getting an STD or getting the girl pregnant? Did you even think about STD or pregnancy at all?

It is a long time before Jonas answers that Alice thinks he has fallen asleep.

“I felt that I was doing something right,” he finally says. “But afterwards, you were crying, so for a moment there I was worried that you will go to the police and report that it was rape.”

Jonas kisses her nose, opens his eyes and smiles.

Alice has her answer.


Deflowered But Not Devalued*

(*with all gratitude to Shoshanna Shapiro of “Girls” from whom this line was lifted)


Alice contemplates. She doesn’t want to; but she can’t help it. Sex does not really mean anything, supposedly, ideally.

So why does it feel like it does?

She googles when she contemplates, so her laptop currently has several tabs opened from enlighteningly esoteric websites, such as the Journal of Adolescent Health and UNFPA and Family Planning International. She should  start doing her lecture, and really that’s what she meant to do. For some reason, she got sidetracked and she now has to remind herself that her lecture is about general cognitive psychology and not Adolescent Counseling.

Drats! She is not an adolescent anymore. But she feels like an adolescent right now. Thinking about it, she acknowledges that she had never really been given a chance to be an adolescent. For one, she can’t remember having a rebellious phase … until now.

Truth be told, going all the way with him (god she can’t even think of it as “having sex”) has an element of … activism? Or, liberation maybe?

Okay, it’s not as if being a virgin is the be-all and end-all of a woman’s existence. Not anymore.

Alice wonders: what's the big deal about virginity when it can so easily be commoditized like this?

Alice wonders: what’s the big deal about virginity when it can so easily be commoditized like this?

She is not living in the 19th century. This is the 21st … the third millennium. In  a few years people will be going to the moon and set up lunar settlements; or colonizing Mars. Sex and the City and Ally McBeal and Friends say it’s totally cool to be out there and  just … do it. Because it feels good, it’s feminist, and it’s liberating and it’s …

Why is she so bothered?

Due to years of social conditioning, probably.

And the fact that he immediately went  to Mindanao after what happened and now (despite the daily texts and that one time he called her cel) … and now … she misses him.

It is a novel feeling for Alice to miss a man. Come to think of it, she didn’t even miss her father when he went and became a TNT** in the US.  She missed her mom when she died. She misses her grandmother and her aunts when she doesn’t see them for weeks. But a guy? No, never a guy. This  is a totally new thing.

She was reading an article in a journal about Turkish girls who undergo surgery to have their hymen restored. And  Alice’s reaction is: give me a fucking break!

So this is what a hymen looks like. Imagine all the stress women have to undergo for this measly insignificant  piece of  tissue!

Alice: So this is what a hymen looks like. Imagine all the stress that women (for centuries) have to undergo for this measly insignificant piece of tissue!

She totally sympathizes with the Turkish girls, though; can completely understand how important physical virginity is in a society of male chauvinist religious fundamentalists.  If she was born in Turkey, she would probably be lining up in a gynecologist’s clinic right now.

She wonders what virginity feels like for guys. Do they acknowledge that concept for themselves? She wanted to ask Jonas what it felt like when he lost it. But she’s, well, embarrassed — liberated outspoken girl that she is. Until now she still cannot think about the details of what happened without wanting to bury her head under Kim’s futon.


(TNT – Tagalog “tago nang tago”, term used for illegal aliens in the US

Virginity is a Myth

I did say that I am going to write a post about the V-word.

So here it is.

Dedication of a Vestal Virgin by Alessandro Marchesino. From Wikipedia.

Dedication of a Vestal Virgin by Alessandro Marchesino. From Wikipedia.


Virginity – a state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse (Wikipedia)

Myth – traditional story of ostensibly historical  events (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)


I have been recently reading a very hot account of a certain self-described libertine’s experience of having sex with a girl who claimed to be a virgin.

And then I  read a blog decrying Miley Cyrus’s  gyrations during the MTV Awards. Miley Cyrus was once a virgin too, you know. Oh I’m sorry — at 20 y/o she’s still a virgin technically?

And then my friend Ana declares: Sex seemed to be a lot hotter than it can actually be as I imagined it when I was a virgin.


“Maternity is a matter of fact; paternity is a matter of speculation” — where did I read that?

In any case, I would like to add: Virginity is a matter of speculation.

For only the person who owns his/her body can definitively know if he/she is a virgin (or not).

Yes people, there is such a thing as hymen. But please, believe me when I say hymens can be tricky. And they are in no way evidence of one’s lack (or possession) of sexual experience.

Coitus is the operative word for penis-inside-vagina. And technically speaking (at least, as per current general population’s most popular belief) — as far as females are concerned, a virgin is a virgin if penis-in-vagina has never happened. I have no idea what the definition of virginity is in guys.


Joan of Arc, virgin (or so they say) when burned at the stake. For all I know, the girl received a mercy fuck the night before she died. Image from

Joan of Arc, virgin (or so they say) when burned at the stake. For all I know, the girl received a mercy fuck the night before she died. Image from

If a time machine transports the  Virgin Mary and Joan of Arc during present era, I wonder what their opinion will be regarding people’s opinion of their virginities.

Virgin Mary.  She gave birth vaginally to Jesus Christ, hence, we can safely assume that her hymen was no more. From Wikipedia.

Virgin Mary. She gave birth vaginally to Jesus Christ, hence, we can safely assume that her hymen was no more intact after delivery compared to Madonna’s. From Wikipedia.

The Thing with Orgasms


The previous post was my 100th post on this blog!

Being the Narcissistic Bitch that I am, I would like to use this page to congratulate myself.

Congratulations NB! I am giving you the Jeane Napoles Award for all the rainy mornings you spent doing intellectual masturbation while your poor significant-other was asleep.

As I am feeling very pleased with myself, what else is there to think and post about than the big O?

“Someday every woman will have orgasms- like every family has color TV- and we can all get on with the business of life.”  Erica Jong


One rainy morning, we listen (“eavesdrop” is the operative word) at Ana and her friends as they talk about what makes life worth living.

Charisse: So Ana, how do you know you’ve had it?

Ana: Had what?

Charisse: (somewhat embarrassed) You know …

Therese: (popping a chocolate covered almond-cherry in  her mouth) You mean orgasms?

Charisse: (scandalized) Lower your voice. (in a whisper) Kinda.

Ana: I know I’ve had it. (secret smile)

Charisse: How?

Therese: (philosophical and wise ala Mother Teresa) When one has had it, she’d know.

Charisse: (wails) How do you know?

Therese: Are you sure you’re asking the correct question?

Ana: What Therese is saying, dear, is you have to have sex first to have one.

Charisse: Oh my, no. I’ve never … (swallows) actually we were like rubbing together the other day … and something sort of like …

Ana: Exploded?

Therese: Burst?

Charisse: I can’t put it that way … but yes maybe …

Ana & Therese: (silent, waiting with baited and prurient breaths)

Charisse: (adjusts her glasses) There was a lot of …

Therese: Liquid!

Charisse: (nods)

Ana: And you felt like you just ran the marathon and won 1st prize?

Charisse: (smiles) You can put it that way.

Therese: Holy moly, girl!  Let’s go and have some drinks! You’re no longer a virgin!

Charisse: But we kept our clothes on!

Men & Their Erections 6

Whenever Ana experiences a lull in her workplace, she fantasizes about Christian.

She finds herself doing  a lot of that these days after that great you-know-what in you-know-where.

It is so difficult trying to discuss a great sexual experience without sounding pornographic. But if anyone can imagine that scene in Titanic where all we saw was the outside of that misty early 1900s car and then Kate Winslet’s hand went up against the glass door and left a very wet mark – well, its’s either you can imagine it or you can’t. Or you haven’t watched the movie, in which case, get out of here!


The thing with great sex is it’s also a great catharsis.

This morning, Christian was driving Ana to work, and they were listening to some sappy songs on the car radio. Christian asked Ana if she thought Karen Carpenter died a virgin.

Ana: Hmmm … well … her songs did sound … very tortured. I mean “I won’t last a day without you”, “If you’re only using me to please your vanity, you’re really not inlove so let me go” or “your love’s put me at the top of the world” – she sounded like she wanted to fall off a cliff or something.

Christian: She had an eating disorder, cause of death was probably related to malnutrition.

Ana: Oh poor girl, definitely died a virgin.

Christian: (sexy smirk) You think so?

Ana: If she’s having great sex, she’d have wanted to eat. Great sex is exhausting, you know.

Christian: (very sexy smirk) I know.

Ana: Just drive.