Sex Ed

She had known him for two years before asking him the questions she was really curious about.

These questions are not the ones discussed in school; certainly not in the one-semester health-education-knowing-your-body course she and other public school teenagers in her country generally have. What her high school teacher said about s-e-x boiled down to: 1. Don’t do it while you’re young; 2. It’s okay to do it if you’re married; 3. Children are its worthy by-product; all the rest (and maybe that includes orgasms) are after-thoughts.

That was circa 1990s, of course; and her teacher was a 50-year old straight-laced,  PhD-holding, tenured university professor, who always wore skirts.

Now she wonders, why do grown-ups never tell you the interesting parts about sex like:

* What is it like to lose one’s virginity?

* Why do people  who should know better (being educated and well-informed) claim that they do not want to have children and yet do not use contraception? Is it laziness? Being sucked in the “heat of passion” (a line she learned in a romance novel)?

* What’s the big deal about having children anyway? Does one really need to have one before one dies? For what? To fulfill a biological imperative?

* What do orgasms feel like?

What her skirt-wearing, well-meaning high-school teacher failed to mention; what all those who have had sex fail to mention when they talk about what you are and are not missing when you have sex, is the immense power-play involved among penises and vaginas.

Was it Andrea Dworkin who supposedly said that all heterosexual intercourse is rape? But that was just a myth, wasn’t it?

After Alice and Jonas first had sex (oh the word!), the emotions that overwhelmed her were:

1. feeling owned by and bound to this person who may or may not stay in her life for very long (“owned” and “bound” are such loaded words, very un-feminist, but that’s what she felt, no matter what Andrea Dworkin might say),

2. worry that a single sperm managed to pass through an improbable pore in the condom that they used and she will get pregnant,

3. a sense of wonder that sex was not as bad as they said it can be and that it actually exceeded her expectations,

4. curiosity about “where this all might lead to.”

***

Flash forward to now…

She is holding his hand, or maybe he is holding hers — they are lying down facing each other after you-know-what. And his eyes are closed. And Alice is thinking, his eyelashes look so much more nicer than mine, how can that be.

Alice: So I want to ask you a question.

Jonas: Uhhmm …

Alice: What did it feel like for you the first time you had sex? Were you worried, apprehensive, excited? Did you think it would change your life or change you inside? Did you have performance anxiety or were you just happy you were finally doing it? Were you concerned about getting an STD or getting the girl pregnant? Did you even think about STD or pregnancy at all?

It is a long time before Jonas answers that Alice thinks he has fallen asleep.

“I felt that I was doing something right,” he finally says. “But afterwards, you were crying, so for a moment there I was worried that you will go to the police and report that it was rape.”

Jonas kisses her nose, opens his eyes and smiles.

Alice has her answer.

 

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Why “Long Distance Stuff Never Works” (or Why it is Preferable for Women to Date Male Virgins)

(Marianne’s Theory of Human Relationships)

It’s like this Alice:  when it comes to relationships men’s learning protocols are different than that of women.

Women are more hopeful … hence we become basket cases who never learn. Take our friend, Manda, for example, she is always falling for men who are attached. Her first boyfriend was gay who was attached to another guy; her 2nd boyfriend was a mama’s boy who was attached to his mother; and now the third one is married, attached to another woman. Sure he will get an annulment. In like what? A million years?

Men are different. What they learn gets imprinted in their CPUs. They are very efficient that way, and hence are not prone to deviations. We should strive to become like them, actually. So Jonas … well he used to be crazy about this girl with the pretentious name, Ligaya or Gaia or something.

Anyway, my brother was in the first stages of puberty, so that explains his bad taste in girls at that time.

His preferences have improved since then, as you can attest.

Ligaya strung him along for two years, or maybe three. She got herself knocked  up by one of their classmates and you know how Jonas is so much into the “knight in shining armor thing”. Yes Starfish Syndrome,  that’s another way of putting it. He skipped school for a year to take care of her. It drove our mom crazy. She had to go and confront Ligaya to leave him alone. Thank god she did.

Ligaya migrated to Canada. My brother wouldn’t give up on her. He wrote her everyday for months. I know, because I used to sneak into his room and read those letters.

And then, the letter writing stopped. Maybe Ligaya finally did something that got Jonas off her back. Or baka nauntog lang ang kapatid ko at natauhan. That, my friend, was my brother’s first long-distance relationship. You will say that the relationship was one-sided and you are right. But it really messed up his head; and you got the nuclear fallout from that one. The Ligaya Incident is the reason why Jonas is not into long distance stuff.

Yeah, it sucks. If I had known you before you knew my brother, I would have told you my theory of the perfect relationship and you would have been spared of going through this drama. But … if my brother hadn’t been your boyfriend, then you wouldn’t have gotten to know  me and we wouldn’t be bestfriends so … the universe has its reasons.

The perfect relationship — I have come to the conclusion that the first women who have the power to mess up men are their mothers. So a girl should check out the mothers first before buying into the men. And then, we should make sure that the guys we date are virgins – like emotionally. Physical virgins are preferable but that’s too much to  hope for.

Alice, don’t laugh. The perfect relationship is the one where two people have the least amount of baggage going in. They can accumulate their own baggage later.

The Myth of the Virgin and the Unicorn. Why is the virgin in the picture always  a girl? Marianne would like to know. Picture lifted from http://manbehindthecurtain.ie/2012/03/24/on-staying-innocent/

The Myth of the Virgin and the Unicorn. Why is the virgin in the picture always a girl? Marianne would like to know. Picture lifted from http://manbehindthecurtain.ie/2012/03/24/on-staying-innocent/

***

Reading Lists: 

http://time.com/117585/yes-all-women-virgin-killer-ucsb/

http://www.thefrisky.com/2014-09-22/frisky-rant-leave-male-virgins-alone/

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/problem-male-virginity-hesaid/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/7-huge-mistakes-i-made-as_b_6355374.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-joel/ten-wedding-vows-based-on_b_4762318.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000035

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/15/opinion/sunday/the-all-or-nothing-marriage.html

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2014/feb/13/self-discovery-marriage-psychologist-suffocation-model

http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/elizabeth-gallagher-on-free-around-the-world-trip-it-can-t-be-that-weird-1.2153414

http://www.rappler.com/brandrap/stories/68701-long-distance-easier

On Being Single and Dying A Virgin

Quite unexpected, I met up with a long time friend yesterday. I texted to ask her if she had plans of going to graduate school; then she called me. As per our ritual, after a lot of giggling, we decided to catch up on each other’s life and  go on a friendly date to a local mall.

Amy is a virgin. That’s in the literal (biblical) sense and, this time, I am not being euphemistic. She is 33 years old and she describes her current status as “hopefully waiting”.

Amy: I am enjoying my career. It’s okay with me if you set me up with guys but I am not actively looking for one. If he’s there, he’s there. If not, then I’m still happy the way I am.

Me: So it’s okay with you if you die a virgin?

Amy: LOL, LMAO, ROFLMAO …

Me: I see.

Amy: I used to have a “just-in-case” guy?

Me: What’s that?

Amy: It’s a guy friend — completely platonic understand? — that you make a deal with in your early 20s that when the two of you turn 35 or something and still unattached, then you would marry each other.

Me: (excited and eager  for more info, waiting with baited breath in front of the overpriced tiramisu) So what happened?

Amy: Robert is now in the US contemplating on marrying his lover.

Me: OMG!

Amy: His lover is a man.

Me: O … M … G

Amy: Do you know that girls have lost more men to homosexuality than to any other other major war?

(Disclaimer: Amy did not actually say that. It is my fictional contribution to this story. I lifted it from a novel by Gail Parent, “Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York”, a book about the travails of single girl who got tired of being single in New York; and because of that, was planning to commit suicide. The book  was her suicide note. The book was published pre-Sex and the City.)

If you guys are wondering what Amy looks like, try imagining Emma Stone —  but Asian, barely 5 foot in flats and with short curly hair.

emma-stone-6

Virginity is a Myth

I did say that I am going to write a post about the V-word.

So here it is.

Dedication of a Vestal Virgin by Alessandro Marchesino. From Wikipedia.

Dedication of a Vestal Virgin by Alessandro Marchesino. From Wikipedia.

***

Virginity – a state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse (Wikipedia)

Myth – traditional story of ostensibly historical  events (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

***

I have been recently reading a very hot account of a certain self-described libertine’s experience of having sex with a girl who claimed to be a virgin.

And then I  read a blog decrying Miley Cyrus’s  gyrations during the MTV Awards. Miley Cyrus was once a virgin too, you know. Oh I’m sorry — at 20 y/o she’s still a virgin technically?

And then my friend Ana declares: Sex seemed to be a lot hotter than it can actually be as I imagined it when I was a virgin.

***

“Maternity is a matter of fact; paternity is a matter of speculation” — where did I read that?

In any case, I would like to add: Virginity is a matter of speculation.

For only the person who owns his/her body can definitively know if he/she is a virgin (or not).

Yes people, there is such a thing as hymen. But please, believe me when I say hymens can be tricky. And they are in no way evidence of one’s lack (or possession) of sexual experience.

Coitus is the operative word for penis-inside-vagina. And technically speaking (at least, as per current general population’s most popular belief) — as far as females are concerned, a virgin is a virgin if penis-in-vagina has never happened. I have no idea what the definition of virginity is in guys.

***

Joan of Arc, virgin (or so they say) when burned at the stake. For all I know, the girl received a mercy fuck the night before she died. Image from thefreelancehistorywriter.com

Joan of Arc, virgin (or so they say) when burned at the stake. For all I know, the girl received a mercy fuck the night before she died. Image from thefreelancehistorywriter.com

If a time machine transports the  Virgin Mary and Joan of Arc during present era, I wonder what their opinion will be regarding people’s opinion of their virginities.

Virgin Mary.  She gave birth vaginally to Jesus Christ, hence, we can safely assume that her hymen was no more. From Wikipedia.

Virgin Mary. She gave birth vaginally to Jesus Christ, hence, we can safely assume that her hymen was no more intact after delivery compared to Madonna’s. From Wikipedia.

What Men Want

Ana & Christian, 8 years old, both virgins. (Image from pics7.this-pic.com)

Ana & Christian, 8 years old, both virgins. (Image from pics7.this-pic.com)

Ana’s POV

I don’t presume to know what men want. I mean, men=adults, they should know what they want.

Me? No, Yeah, I have no idea what I want a lot of times, but I’m trying to get there.  At least.

As to Christian, ha ha, I’m not into mind reading, you know. That previous  vignette you posted about him and me. Well, you should have ended it with a question like: “Or is it just a case of Ana’s thinking process getting stuck in the Hallmark mode?”

No, of course this is not cynicism talking. I’m a romantic! No, Christian won’t agree with that. I think. But I am! Just between you and me, of course. Women get all sorts of shit for being romantic. Men get all the kudos, but women get shit. No I’m not bitter.

Let’s not get out of topic, okay? So what do men want? What a question, god!

Sex?

And their mothers. Men definitely want their mothers. You can try as hell to imitate their mothers, but unless, the guy traversed the length of your vagina, you’re a pale imitation.

And money, definitely money. Some guys would rather sleep with newly minted dollar bills than sleep with you.

Oh and they want virgins. Yeah, they do! But they want the virgin to turn into the perfect slut only with them. Yup, that’s a very difficult transition to make. But hey, nobody said that the world is fair either.

So yeah, that’s what I think, assuming anybody would care to ask. “What women want” — that’s like a cliche, right? But right now, what I want is to lose 50 lbs. Yup, 50 effing lbs. I’m having back pains from all the extra weight. And yeah, I would love a facial and a massage. And yeah, I also want an orgasm while we’re at it.

... and I want a kiss from a cute guy who look like this ... (Image from http://kreview.com/t-Cute-drawlings)

… and I want a kiss from a cute guy who look like this … (Image from http://kreview.com/t-Cute-drawlings)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another Thing With Virgins

The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes. Agatha Christie

To paraphrase, “The best time for planning a blog post is while driving at 15 mph along EDSA during SM Megasale weekend.” – Anastasia Christina

***

Charrise is a virgin. That is not very difficult to understand given that Charrisse is also a nerd. Who loves Gloria Steinem.

She once asked Ana regarding the risk factors for staying untouched, untutored, innocent, un-fucked, as far as females are concerned.

Ana: There has been no formal study done on the subject, from what I know.

Charrise: Really? Well then, I’m fucked!

Ana: No, dear, you’re not. Otherwise, we won’t be having this conversation.

Charrise:  Ha ha, great joke!

Ana: (contrite) Sorry. (The truth is, this morning, Ana had an Aubrey-Plaza moment, albeit with someone named Christian, so she should be forgiven for being distracted.)

Charrise: Ana, really! I think I will die like – you know – this!

Ana: Say the word, darling. You’ll feel better.

Charrise: I can’t. It sounds sooo … dirty, you know?

Ana: I know what you mean. Everybody just get their kicks out of making fun of them.

Charrise: Yes. Just what is so wrong with being …

Ana: … untouched, untutored, innocent, un-fucked?

Charrise: See, even you can’t say the word.

Ana: Of course I can. Virgin. There.

Charrise: (wails) That’s because you’ve had sex!

Ana: Oh Charrise, what can I say? This guy told me once that really, men do pretend that virgins don’t matter. But the truth is, nobody, not even men, can resist having something that is shiny and new.

Madonna, who was ironically, thought of as queen of sluts, was once a virgin too! Picture from www.nydailynews.com.

Madonna, who was ironically, thought of as queen of sluts, was once a virgin too! Picture from http://www.nydailynews.com.

Men & Their Erections 7

Alternative Title: The Thing With Virgins

 

The truth is, after the 6th post, I planned to never talk about Ana and Christian again.

But their voices just won’t stop yammering in my brain!

So today I hear them, canoodling in (where else?) the bedroom and Ana was saying, “Ok we should get up now.”

Christian: What time is it?

Ana: It’s eleven in the morning.

Christian: The last time I slept this late was when I lost my virginity.

Ana: Really?

Christian: Yeah, I miss it.

Ana: What? Your virginity?

At this point, Ana would get up and out of the queen size but Christian would stop her.

Ana: What is so great about virgins anyway?

Christian: Everything. Remember Joan of Arc?

Ana: Yeah, she got burned at the stake.

Christian: Is that so?

Ana: The thing with virgins is throughout history, they were either grossly overrated or woefully underrated. In the first few millennia of human civilization, they were regularly being thrown into volcanoes or being served as dinner to all sorts of monsters.

Christian: And that would mean …

Ana: Gross.

Christian:  Well these days, it doesn’t really matter if one is virgin or not, does it?

Ana: (Sighs) Yes, it’s no big deal. Not anymore.

In her heart, Ana, thinks: “Which makes it woeful.”